“I’ll be goshdarned if anything gets through the Senate, and I mean anything.  I’m talking total obstruction here. I don’t care how hungry my esteemed colleagues get. It wouldn’t kill some of these shlubs to skip a meal anyway.” Senator Paul, doing his best stoner imitation, filibustered for 17 hours straight by changing his Pizza Hut order 6,542 times. “I’ll have pepperoni, mushroom and sausage. Nah, come to think of it, hold the pepperoni…..Hold on, y’know what I could really get into? A little bacon on there. Mmmmm, luuuuuv bacon. And hey, how about some green bell peppers and red onions on there on like half of it? Yeah y’know, make it healthy and stuff. Course, I wouldn’t mind some barbecue sauce dumped all over everything…sorta Texas style…….”

An indignant Sepp Blatter insisted once again he had no knowledge of the alleged corruption within FIFA : “I’m shocked, shocked to find that rampant bribe taking was found to be going on right under my nose”. He went on to express complete surprise that a giant wad of hundreds was bulging out of his breast pocket as his pants suddenly burst into flames.

In a bid to broaden their appeal, the Spice Girls have added a brand new voice——and along with her, some brand new material. The setlist will now include Falling for You(And I Can’t Get Up), Gin and Prune Juice, Car Keys In The Refrigerator, and Pain In My Heart(It’s Just Gas).

Pathologically delusional member of the NBC brain trust, Irv Shart, has made his boldest move yet—in his words, “blowing up the concept of the network news as we know it, with a giant stick of DYN-O-MITE, J.J. from Good Times.”  “J.J., with his nonstop clowning, his complete lack of any kind of judgement or intelligence, not to mention his instantly recognizable catchphrase, makes him the perfect choice to head up our flagship news broadcast.” Mr. Shart went on to say, “Look, the news is just too freakin’ depressing. There’s always a good belly laugh somewhere amid all the carnage and devastation and J.J is just the man to find it.” Mr. Shart also named Bookman as Chief White House correspondent and Sweet Daddy as Middle East correspondent.