The CIA today unveiled the ultimate weapon in the drug war, Mehmet Ozyurek.  Mr. Ozyurek confirmed that he is prepared to “snort the entire country right off the map” unless Colombian drug lords cease cocaine production immediately. “We are manufacturing a giant single edge razor blade and mirror as we speak” said unnamed CIA covert operative Vern Kablooey. Mr. Ozyurek is said to have been training for the mission by partying with heavy metal legend Ozzy Osbourne.

“With E-Z Fast, fasting is a piece of (sponge)cake.”, says co-inventor Heshy Shteitelman.”It’s scientifically designed to approximate the feeling of swallowing a bowling ball deep fried in chicken fat. Trust me, your appetite will disappear faster than a yarmulke in a hurricane.”

Judge Art Putzner explained the court’s reasoning: “The current FCC policy is overly broad and is in direct violation of the First Amendment. The Founding Fathers intended that people have a right to say whatever fucked up shit they want to say, even complete dickweeds like Nicole Richie”.