February 27th, 2014

Nine Year Old Rajneesh Updulhabayamagu- balluluwetanumba Wins National Spelling Bee by Spelling Own Name Correctly


February 24th, 2014

Inspector General's Report Shows CIA Interrogation Techniques Not Really That Bad

1535813082_a088bc7efb_zTranscript excerpt from Inspector General’s report

The operations officer made a fist, then with the knuckle of his middle finger protruding, proceeded to give the prisoner a noogie. He then commanded him to pull his own nose hairs out one by one until tears ran down his cheeks. Still facing resistance, the officer forced the prisoner to chug a whole bottle of Mad Dog 357 Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce. Making no headway at this juncture, the prisoner was forced to listen to Leonard Nimoy’s Greatest Hits for 12 hours straight. Then the operations officer tried a new technique—-giving the detainee the silent treatment for a couple of days—just like his wife would when he forgot their anniversary. Sensing the prisoner was ready to crack, the officer followed said course of action by telling him he was not at all pleased with the way he was behaving and that he was going to get a timeout and to go sit in the corner. The overall results of the interrogation were mixed at best. One officer admitted he had little experience torturing detainees and got most of his information from “watching The Three Stooges do funny shit like Moe grabbing Larry’s nose with a pair of pliers.”

February 10th, 2014

Gitmo Detainees To Be Sent To Boca Raton Retirement Complex

imagescan2p3c7With the closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, the federal government has entered into an agreement with residents of a Boca Raton retirement community to take in some of the detainees. “We have a pull-out couch in the den”, said area resident Sophie Markozitsky.

It’s expected that the prisoners will be subjected to a constant barrage of nagging, noodging and not being able to get a word in edgewise. One Gitmo detainee, Ali Abdullah Abooboo has actually been staying at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Sol Fluckerman for the last three weeks. During a recent mahjong game by the pool, they and their neighbors regaled him with six hours of virtually nonstop complaining about feeling gassy and rude salespeople. Mr. Abooboo was overheard pleading, “Please Allah, I beg you, kill me now.”

A Marine spokesman seemed almost sympathetic. “Don’t get me wrong, these detainees are bad people, but no one deserves this.”